What am I to do?

[askerofmanyquestions]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

[Bekki659]

There might be a halfway point that could be easier than becoming Christian again. Maybe if, some day, he could believe in *a* god, he would feel less constricted by the issue.

Once again, its up to him whether or not he actually thinks he would ever become Christian again, or even believe in a God at all.

[askerofmanyquestions]

Honestly, nothing would make my life easier than re-converting to Christianity. There are many days when I wish that I had never began to doubt. As a Christian, ignorance made my life quite blissful. However, I know deep down that I am better off for having questioned and subsequently abandoned many (all?) of my prior religious convictions.

I do not believe that my re-converting is an impossibility. However, it would literally take an act of God for this to happen. I'm not going to hold my breath and I'm certainly not going to devote my time and energies into looking for God. If God will reveal God's self to a staunch, cruel persecutor of Christians (i.e., Saul of Taursus) then God can choose to make God's self known to me without my putting forth any effort or care whatsoever. If God is real, and God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent then it follows that God would make God's self known to us all anyway. Right? Since I do not believe God to be real, I believe that anyone who believes that God exists is living in the same blissful ignorance that I used to occupy. While my returning would certainly make things easier, it would not, I believe, make things better.

[OnceConvinced]

Wow! You're exactly where I'm at now. I feel exactly the same way and hav ecome to the same conclusions you have.

[otseng]

There are many days when I wish that I had never began to doubt.

As you many know, there are many people in the Bible that doubted. So, doubting is common, even among the faithful.

As a Christian, ignorance made my life quite blissful.

Yeah. Sometimes I wonder why it's the thinkers that are dreadful and the ignorant are blissful.

However, I know deep down that I am better off for having questioned and subsequently abandoned many (all?) of my prior religious convictions.

Perhaps you're throwing away the baby with the bath water.

Getting rid of wrong religious convictions is a good thing. And I think there are too many wrong ideas floating around in the church. But, it might not have to mean abandoning believing in God altogether.

I'm not going to hold my breath and I'm certainly not going to devote my time and energies into looking for God.

On the other hand, God rewards those who diligently seeks him. I wouldn't say devote too much time into it, but some time might prove to be beneficial.

If God will reveal God's self to a staunch, cruel persecutor of Christians (i.e., Saul of Taursus) then God can choose to make God's self known to me without my putting forth any effort or care whatsoever.

I wouldn't agree. If you get reconverted without putting in any effort, you'll then just as likely to get dereconverted without much effort.

If God is real, and God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent then it follows that God would make God's self known to us all anyway. Right?

No. This is obvious by the sheer number of people who do not follow God.

Since I do not believe God to be real, I believe that anyone who believes that God exists is living in the same blissful ignorance that I used to occupy.

That would be making a sweeping characterization based simply on your own experiences. I know many who believe in God and have a strong rational support for their belief. But, I would also acknowledge that there are many who dwell in the land of ignorant faith.

[Evales]

If God is real, and God is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omnibenevolent then it follows that God would make God's self known to us all anyway. Right?

No. This is obvious by the sheer number of people who do not follow God.

It could also be said that because of the sheer number of people who do not follow God that He is either not one of those things or not any of those things.

[JoeyKnothead]

I can commiserate with the OP's predicament. When I was young I faced some pretty ugly torment at the hands of a religious community that would not accept that I would be an atheist. Torment such that some have accused me of lying about events I personally went through.
Here in the Bible Belt, at least in the more rural areas, many will not accept anyone who disagrees with their religious point of view. I would recommend the OPer take slow steps, but take them. You potentially face an ugly situation, and by going slow you will better be able to maintain your sanity.
Looking back, my situation improved only when my job required I move to another part of the state. Since then I have been able to live pretty much as I pleased. Maybe this could be an option for the OPer?

[Homicidal_Cherry53]

No. This is obvious by the sheer number of people who do not follow God.

This could easily be used to support disbelief in an omnipresent, omniscient. God. Using it to encourage the search for God requires the person to believe in God.

[otseng]

I know I've made some comments before about the "omni" stuff. But, I can't seem to find that needle in the giant threadstack.

[Vladd44]

But, having been an atheist and coming to Christianity during college, I would say it's not improbable. Myself, it was reasoning that led me to be a Christian. So, though the naysayers would disagree, I believe there are sufficient evidence out there to bring someone to believe.

I looked around the forum a bit, could you please direct me to a thread or discussion about this atheist to christian conversion of yours? I have seen you mention it several times, and I am curious to this line of "evidence" out there that could be construed to prove a god.

Most atheist to christian conversions I know are of relatively young people (up to mid twenties) who were raised with little religious background and ended up defaulting to atheism because it raised a few eyebrows or because they didn't know enough about any particular religion to form an opinion.

I would be curious as to your story Otseng.

But to the topic at hand,

There is a vast difference between some kid who calls themselves atheistic and getting a chill in a church that they are told is god becoming christian and someone who was raised and deeply involved with christianity. So I would agree that reconversion is improbable at best.

I know my wife's family still clings to the hope of a change of view from both of us, but honestly even if I believed in the christian god again I would loath it. No way I would choose to overlook the passages of the bible dealing with genocide, racism, sexism and a host of contradictory information. Other than a full frontal lobotomy I just don't see how one can go back to sleep.

No kids, Still relatively young, You have to tell her, sooner rather than later.

I understand your concerns, when my wife told her family they took it pretty poorly. My extended family just lives in denial to the best of their ability.

When I told my wife, her answer was essentially "me too". A result not likely in your situation.

[otseng]

I looked around the forum a bit, could you please direct me to a thread or discussion about this atheist to christian conversion of yours? I have seen you mention it several times, and I am curious to this line of "evidence" out there that could be construed to prove a god.

I mentioned my conversion briefly here.

I don't really have a single thread where I lay out the details. I have been considering trying to get all my thoughts down in a systematic manner. But, it's been a low priority right now.