What am I to do?

[askerofmanyquestions]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

[bernee51]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

Hi AoMQ

Welcome to the forum.

That sounds like a horrid situation for you to be in. I hope that over the course of time you are able to bring some change that is mutually beneficial to you and your relationships. I look forward to your input.

May you be happy, kind, loving and peaceful

bernie

[Evales]

Welcome.

What a hard situation. Indeed I do not know what I would do in this situation. I hope someone hear can help you. In if any forum were to help I believe it would be this one. The people hear are great.

[Beto]

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament.

Welcome AoMQ,

It's not easy, but it's simple. The sooner you stop lying about it, the more time people will have to get used to the idea. You'll feel much better about yourself and this reflects on the people that matter and genuinely like you.

[realthinker]

Sir, you certainly have my sympathy for such a situation. I think many of us who were immersed in a devout family have endured a great deal of distress in coming to grips with our beliefs, though perhaps not in such a deeply personal fashion. Being at odds with one's wife is different than being at odds with parents and siblings.

From my personal perspective, establishing one's self as an honest, honorable, fair, and caring person through one's actions is critical. It can give you and those who may condemn you for your beliefs something to retreat to when the distrust mounts. If you are those things you will likely find that you are compatible with their beliefs, though you may not share their beliefs. If you are seen to be a scoundrel and a disbeliever they will never respect you.

In addition, I recommend trying to understand why religion has been such a prominent part of social evolution and why it is viable. Religion may not be truth, but it doesn't have to be truth for it to be valuable to those who practice it and to the societies that harbor it. There are some aspects of religion that can be respected. Finding those may give you a better regard for its practitioners and a reason to continue to be active in harmony with, though perhaps not part of, the religious community.

With regard to your wife, you may have to review and reinforce your commitment to her and your family. You may have to say, very deliberately and out loud and often, "I am a good man and you can count on me to do what is right because it is right. I will uphold all the responsibilities to satisfy your needs and the needs of our family. You will always have my respect and my admiration because you are a good person and someone who I want to build my life with."

She will likely, from what you've described, cling even more strongly to her faith and to her practice, and you may face some degree of exclusion. At that time, you may have to challenge her and whomever is pushing you out. "What have I done that makes you feel that I should not be a part of your life? How have I behaved wrongly?" If you have behaved honorably and such that you are not threatening their beliefs they will have to decide if they are shallow enough to push away someone who would respect and support them simply because of a difference of belief.

In the face of all that, if things do not work out, you know it's not because you have not exercised every ounce of your good will toward the situation. Beyond that, what can you do?

[McCulloch]

Welcome

I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister.

May I ask about your ceasing to be a minister? Were you married at the time? Do you have children? What reasons did you give to family and friends for leaving the ministry?

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian.

I didn't know that there were devout, yet reserved Southern Baptists.

If it were me, I would start with my wife. I love her, she loves me and we have come through too much together to not be honest with each other. I suspect that she might already know. You need not try to convince her that you are right and she is wrong, but you really should let her know where you stand. If she cannot live with that, then that is truly sad. I don't know where you live or your social situation, but it might be financially and socially prudent to continue the pretense outside of the immediate family. Would the likelihood of success where you work be threatened by you coming out?

[Vanguard]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

From what little I know of Southern Baptists I would imagine appreciating nuance is not one of them? Coming out and stating definitavely there is no God and such might illicit quite the powerful reaction from her, no? Remember, she has probably formed an impression of you from your time as minister and would most certainly have a difficult time understanding how you could "jump ship" in her eyes.

You may want to tell her you struggle considerably with the notion of God and that you must follow your conscience all the while encouraging her decision to remain faithful. Don't err on the other end of the spectrum though by stating conclusively anything about the notion of God. You're simply following your heart while remaining open to any possibility. Otherwise, any certainty there is no God is simply the other side of the absolutist coin from which you came.

I wish you the best though. When sons/daughters/brothers/fathers and such leave the faith it is certainly difficult but I believe it pales in comparison to a husband having to make such a strong direction change. Here's to putting good thoughts out into the universe for you...

[Nameless]

So here's the problem....

The problem is that you are living in the closet, fearful of telling the truth. So you lie and you cringe in the shadows so you can enjoy a modicum of 'familiar life'.
How can you now stand to be 'unequally yoked' to someone who now would think that you are Hellbound! A horrible 'heathen'? If she knew your truth.
Perhaps a moment will come where you might value honesty over lies, the sun rather than the shadows...
You are digging a hole for yourself that gets deeper and deeper every day that you value honesty so little.
Has this been your mindset while you were also a 'minister'? So little value for honesty? Your poor 'sheeple'! Do they all now have their own little 'holes' to live in?
Be an example, be a 'light unto the world' and come out of the closet!
Move to San Francisco if you need, but the closet is lonely and cold, with only your lies and emotional needs to provide a nebulous warmth and fleeting feeling of 'security' (all is still ok, the same..) Instead of 'clinging to the past', perhaps try living in the honest Now!
Buck up, bucko! She's not the only fish in the sea.
Good luck..

[C-Nub]

People are going into a lot of depth on this one, and power to them for it, but honestly, it isn't that complicated.

You are not ever, ever, ever, ever going to be happy continuing a relationship that you feel is based on lies. You will not only question whether your wife loves / likes / appreciates you for who you are rather than who she thinks you are, but you will also be, at least you should be, beset with guilt over the whole thing.

If being happy matters to you, and it should, then you have to be open and honest with the people you want around you, because for those relationships to work, they have to know you and love you for who you are. If they leave, if they cast you out or abandon you, then they never really loved you, never really knew you, just their perception of you.

It sucks, and devout baptists aren't exactly known for their openmindedness... But honestly, if things work out 'badly', then you have the chance to build a new series of relationships without having to worry about hiding what you believe or disbelieve.



And I think you know all of this anyways. The way you phrased your questions, the way you 'asked' for advice, it isn't really as though you haven't figured any of this out, you're just building up your courage to do it. I support that. I hope it works out for you, and if it doesn't, this and forums like this will have people who've had similar experiences who'll gladly discuss them with you.

Best of luck.

[Homicidal_Cherry53]

This is quite a dilemma you have here, and I can understand why you are fretting over it so much. That being said, there is a fairly obvious solution here (even if it may be a difficult road to travel). Simply tell your wife and those close to you what you believe. If your wife truly loves you for who you really are, she will stay with you. If not, then she clearly does not love you, but who you once were. It may be difficult for her to swallow, but until you do tell your wife about this, she will never be able to truly love you, only the mask you put up to guard your true self from harm.