Met a great woman, but I am coming up short here...

[ssnapier]

Ok, so let me give you the cliff notes version of my story.

I am recenntly divorced after nearly 15 years, but it was a LONG time coming. I have an 8 year old daughter who is staying with my ex-wife too. The marriage was just not working, and I spent the last 5 years trying to make it work for my daughter's sake, but it was just not going to work.

On top of that, I recently met a WONDERFUL woman who totally gets me but she has an incredibly strong faith in Jesus Christ, and has been raised that way for her entire life. My background was almost the exact opposite. I have had very little religious experience in my life and I have never even read the Bible, although I started about a week ago. I have been trying to learn about all of this stuff and truly see why so many people are following this path, but it is a long slow process. During one of our conversations she revealed to me that whoever her long term partner turns out to be, he needs to "have the same faith" that she does, and that is a non-negotiable thing in her mind. At this point I am nowhere even close, and I am not sure I will ever get there. I have always seen myself as a generally good guy, and I tend to live along the same principles as most "good Christians" as far as I can tell, I just have never been a big believer in any kind of organized religion. should I try and adapt to her wishes her, or should she be willing to meet me halfway and allow for the fact that she has about 27 years of faith that I am lacking?? I would hate to end what is a WONDERFUL relationship over this, but it is a pretty genuine concern to me at this point.

[OnceConvinced]

Unfortunately her belief is that she should never marry a non-Christian. The bible is pretty clear on that. It seems unlikely she will budge from that stance if she is a real committed Christian. I guess if she is truly in love with you, she may compromise, rather than lose you. Who nows?

I don't think you should act at being a Christian just to get her. I think in the long run she'd work out your not sincere. I guess by then it may be too late and she'll have to accept it. But it would seem to me you'd be basing your relationship on lies and deception if you did and that's definitely no recipe for success.

I'd recommend being honest. Don't be something you're not. Somewhere along the line she will have to make a firm decision. You'll soon find out who she loves most, you or God.

[McCulloch]

During one of our conversations she revealed to me that whoever her long term partner turns out to be, he needs to "have the same faith" that she does, and that is a non-negotiable thing in her mind. [...] I would hate to end what is a WONDERFUL relationship over this, but it is a pretty genuine concern to me at this point.

The fact that she is willing to have a wonderful relationship with someone who is not of her faith, to me shows hypocrisy. If her spiritual values are important to her, then they would also be an important factor in deciding with whom to have romantic relations with.

Be honest with yourself and with her and ask the same in return.

[Flail]

Why is she in this relationship with a non-christian if her christianity is not subject to compromise...she seems typically christian to me and I would walk away.....

Read the book of Matthew...the red words of Jesus Christ....and also Mark, Luke and John...these are the words of her God...Jesus Christ...however they are not the teachings of her Religion...which came after Jesus...the Old Testament and the letters of Paul in the New Testament make up most of the Bible....sandwiched in between are the 4 Gospels of Jesus....Once you read Matthew you will see that Jesus would never be a Christian...he was anti Religion...anti ritual...anti judgement...his parables are wonderful lessons in life and are typically never mentioned on this board by Christians....

"To thine own self be true, and then as surely as night follows day, thou cans't not be false to any man."
Shakespeare

[Vanguard]

ssnap -

Big time dilemna. At face value I'm going to assume you both are pretty good people the only difference being one professes a belief in Christ and the other doesn't. I'm sure it happens all of the time. Once again we see how our very human feelings can pull us into situations that might require compromises we otherwise would not be willing to sacrifice.

You should not rush into this acceptance of Christ thing too quickly though if you are both interested enough in each other you both should be willing to give it some time. You are already aware I am sure that should the relationship become more intimate the chance of you capitulating and accepting Christ increases and vice-versa for her. You should only accept Him though if your heart desires it.

Of course, should you ultimately decide Christianity isn't for you it will be very hard to reveal this info to her. There have been many occasions where I have fallen head-over-heels for a non-theist almost to the point of setting aside my Christian religiosity for the sake of gaining the woman's favor. Fortunately for whatever reason, these unions did not take root. I am too involved in my Christianity to be able to tolerate an intimate relationship with one who does not feel similarly. Great gals everyone one of them...

Worst case scenario my friend would have you parting as friends both respectful of the other's stance and concluding that much has been gained in exploring the possibilities.

[Assent]

In the end, your dilemma boils down to a decision you have to make: which is more important to you, your beliefs or this woman (sounds a little disrespectful, but I didn't think "girlfriend" was appropriate)? By all means, take your time. Don't answer immediately. Over time, I'm certain the answer will make itself known. Just don't make any decisions about it until you know, one way or the other.

[Salve Adore]

This is a bit of a dilemma, as she seems adamant. But if you care for one another, it doesn't have to be. Love and support are extremely important elements in a relationship, if not the most. I myself have never dated a Christian. Pure coincidence, actually. And the one thing I've always felt compelled to ask is: does my belief offend you? The answer has always been no. And vice versa: do their non-beliefs offend me? Absolutely not. Say you meet someone, and your affection for them grows, and you both care for each other deeply, and THEN you both find out about each other's beliefs or non-beliefs. Quite simply, that shouldn't dissuay your feelings for each other. Devoted parents often say that nothing will stop them from loving their children. Why shouldn't there be a non-judgemental place in a mature relationship when you can cherish each other without question?

I've never been asked to compromise, nor would I ever ask someone I care about to compromise. Love is not, and should not, be contained within groups of people.

Bottom line is, you care about her. And you haven't let her religious beliefs stop you. If you trust each other, doesn't that constitute as an act of faith? Isn't that the kind of faith she needs to recognize as the kind that matters the most?

[mrmufin]

should I try and adapt to her wishes her, or should she be willing to meet me halfway and allow for the fact that she has about 27 years of faith that I am lacking?? I would hate to end what is a WONDERFUL relationship over this, but it is a pretty genuine concern to me at this point.

I could no better adapt to someone else's religious demands than I could adapt to enjoying a root canal. I would certainly point out that apparently it is okay for her to have a relationship with someone of another faith, or lack thereof.

If you're okay with her faith and she's okay with your skepticism, hang in there.

If you're okay with her faith and she's not okay with your skepticism, find some common ground where nobody needs to fake it, or it won't work.

Best of luck to you.

Regards,
mrmufin

[Slopeshoulder]

I've been there. I could write you a book, or tell you my life story. But here are the cliff notes: RUN AWAY NOW. You are not well matched, she is manipulative and you'll be in for a life of hurt. You're recently divorced? Have the patience and confidence to find someone more "wonderful" for you. I did.
BTW, if you want to learn about christianity, starting with the bible is probably the worst thing you can do.
You've been warned, and good luck!!!

[ChaosBorders]

Ok, so let me give you the cliff notes version of my story.

I am recenntly divorced after nearly 15 years, but it was a LONG time coming. I have an 8 year old daughter who is staying with my ex-wife too. The marriage was just not working, and I spent the last 5 years trying to make it work for my daughter's sake, but it was just not going to work.

On top of that, I recently met a WONDERFUL woman who totally gets me but she has an incredibly strong faith in Jesus Christ, and has been raised that way for her entire life. My background was almost the exact opposite. I have had very little religious experience in my life and I have never even read the Bible, although I started about a week ago. I have been trying to learn about all of this stuff and truly see why so many people are following this path, but it is a long slow process. During one of our conversations she revealed to me that whoever her long term partner turns out to be, he needs to "have the same faith" that she does, and that is a non-negotiable thing in her mind. At this point I am nowhere even close, and I am not sure I will ever get there. I have always seen myself as a generally good guy, and I tend to live along the same principles as most "good Christians" as far as I can tell, I just have never been a big believer in any kind of organized religion. should I try and adapt to her wishes her, or should she be willing to meet me halfway and allow for the fact that she has about 27 years of faith that I am lacking?? I would hate to end what is a WONDERFUL relationship over this, but it is a pretty genuine concern to me at this point.

A complicated question, and one whose answer relies on a lot of factors that aren't in here.

From a personal perspective, I recognized quite a long time ago that the type of girl I was attracted to was invariably Christian, despite not being one myself. I realized that most were of the same opinion as this woman and if I ever wanted to be with one I would have to try to reconcile my beliefs.

For the most part I've been succesful, but it was a long process and even now there are some Christians who would consider me a heretic.

I haven't regretted my decision, and actually feel that going through this spiritual journey has very positively impacted my life, despite the occasional hardship/doubt/etc. that I had to go through to get where I am today.

So if you're able to and you truly care for her, I would highly encourage you to try. However, she should at least meet you halfway by having patience and understanding that it will be difficult for you to do so and that your beliefs may never be an exact match with hers. Otherwise it's just not going to work.

Going further than that though, it depends greatly on just how involved with her faith she is herself. For instance, what is the exact nature of your relationship? If you're 'sleeping' together she's already shown herself comfortable stepping outside the bounds of her faith, so not being willing to compromise on your lack of faith would be purely hypocritical and unfair to You. On the other hand, if your relationship is more purely emotional right now, then her faith may be truly paramount to her life. If this is the case, it would be unfair to Her to ask her to completely set it aside on your account.