What you don't know can't hurt you

[scorpia]

In another debate http://debatingchristianity.com/forum/v ... 8&start=40 this came up.

So the question is; is it possible that what what you don't tell others won't hurt them? Excluding things like nice things you do behind a persons back, I prefer to talk about those actions that usually would be wrong when not done in secret. I do not believe so.

[Dilettante]

Hmm...

If I saw a person about to eat an amanita phalloides, which looks edible but is lethal, my not telling them about that fact would indeed hurt them.

As a rule, knowledge can't hurt you.

I can think of very few exceptions to this rule, but I concede there are some, such as a husband having been unfaithful to his wife only once in the past. It would serve no purpose telling her about it (let bygones be bygones) and it could destroy their marriage. So in that specific case, yes, knowledge would hurt.

[ST88]

So the question is; is it possible that what what you don't tell others won't hurt them?

I can think of many examples. Many have been exploited for literature. Suppose that you have adopted a baby who turns out to be the sweetest, nicest, most wonderful daughter you could have ever hoped for. But you have the knowledge that she was the biological daughter of an infamous criminal and his rape victim, both of whom have since died.

There might be value in giving her the truth, but this knowledge will undoubtedly cause her to feel pain. Please note that I am not advocating keeping the truth indefinitely from her, just acknowledging the hurt.

And I don't think it's harmful to a person to be the object of a private lust. As long as the person/object is unaware of it, and the lust remains private, there should be no harm to that person. There might be some vague harm to the person doing the objectifying, but none to the objectified.

[scorpia]

I can think of very few exceptions to this rule, but I concede there are some, such as a husband having been unfaithful to his wife only once in the past. It would serve no purpose telling her about it (let bygones be bygones) and it could destroy their marriage. So in that specific case, yes, knowledge would hurt.

Perhaps, but isn't it better to be honest in a relationship? Isn't the situation somewhat better when a person admits it than the spouse finding out the act by other means.

There might be value in giving her the truth, but this knowledge will undoubtedly cause her to feel pain. Please note that I am not advocating keeping the truth indefinitely from her, just acknowledging the hurt.

Again, yes, there would be hurt. But what if the child finds out any way?

And I don't think it's harmful to a person to be the object of a private lust. As long as the person/object is unaware of it, and the lust remains private, there should be no harm to that person.

So long as the person is unaware of it.

[ST88]

There might be value in giving her the truth, but this knowledge will undoubtedly cause her to feel pain. Please note that I am not advocating keeping the truth indefinitely from her, just acknowledging the hurt.

Again, yes, there would be hurt. But what if the child finds out any way?

In my view, this is always a possibility, and if you feel like you have to keep the truth away from her then you should be prepared for when she finds out the truth. You know how much it would hurt and so you've taken some steps to protect her from the hurt. But, eventually, you won't be able to protect her any longer from much of anything. Perhaps all you can do it just make things a little better for her down the road. Maybe there's an issue with blood typing or a hereditary disease, or who knows what all. The big issue is whether or not you've considered all the possibilities when you make the decision to hide the truth.

I can think of very few exceptions to this rule, but I concede there are some, such as a husband having been unfaithful to his wife only once in the past. It would serve no purpose telling her about it (let bygones be bygones) and it could destroy their marriage. So in that specific case, yes, knowledge would hurt.

Perhaps, but isn't it better to be honest in a relationship? Isn't the situation somewhat better when a person admits it than the spouse finding out the act by other means.

Current pop-psychological theory has it that to confess an infidelity is actually a selfish act, because you are unburdening yourself at the expense of your spouse. In effect, you are distributing your pain with your spouse in order to alleviate your own guilt. I think this is partially true. You have to assess what kind of marriage you have, first of all, that would cause this infidelity; and second of all, that would allow you to confess it. And by gauging the structure of the marriage I don't mean whether it's weak or strong, I mean what kind of behavior you tend to expect from one another and what each contributes to the relationship. This doesn't change the hurt, but it does inform what might happen because of it or its absence.

And I don't think it's harmful to a person to be the object of a private lust. As long as the person/object is unaware of it, and the lust remains private, there should be no harm to that person.

So long as the person is unaware of it.

There is no reason to believe that XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX will ever learn that I occasionally have dreams about her. (Can I say that?)

[eveil42]

wow, buddy you have some serious issues.
all the while the question will it hurt ? isn't the whole point of having some sort of virtue "is to try to lessen the pain!"
own up to your responsibility and scorpia don't encourage him!
have some values. lies do hurt. i am a liar and i know this to be true!
it is the only truth that is true of all humanity. beings do not care about others they would rather hide behind god or another belief instead of owning their own lies. tell her the truth and be rid of your pain. have some responsibility.
eveil_grl
:censored:

[Dilettante]

scorpia wrote:

Perhaps, but isn't it better to be honest in a relationship? Isn't the situation somewhat better when a person admits it than the spouse finding out the act by other means.

If the spouse is likely to find out by other means, then it might be better to be honest. But if it can be assumed that the spouse will never find out, and the act will not be repeated, then why risk the relationship --which will probably not survive the shock-- just to be honest? We should recognize that moral and ethical values do conflict at times.
I don't know about you, scorpia, but I would find it hard to restore trust in a spouse who confessed an infidelity to me. I'm not categorically saying I would never be able to, but it would be hard. From what I hear, most people would never forgive an infidelity, self-confessed or not. So I don't see how the situation would be "somewhat better".
Of course there is a way to avoid the conflict...by just being faithful.
But once the deed is done, I don't see how anything could make it look significantly better...