50 Egregiously Execrable Definitions

[cnorman18]

Adultery - follows infancy

Beatification - what you to do to egg whites to make meringue

Believing - imperative phrase: cf. "get out of here"

Canonized - propelled toward the heavens with great force

Censorship - boat full of prudes

Chanukah - see Hanukkah

Concordance - how you make grape juice

Debate - what you put on de hook to catch de fish

Deity - the state of making a grade just below a C

Demigod - the object of faith of one who worships Miss Moore

Denomination - withdrawing of a candidacy

Dogma - canine which has given birth to puppies

Dogmatic - canine without a manual transmission

Doctrinal - porcelain fixture in which physicians make #1

Doxology - study of physicians

Fallacy - comes after summeracy

Forum - not against um

Fundamentalist - damentalist, only better company at parties

Genealogy - study of Middle Eastern mythical spirits

Graphic language - charts and tables

Hanukkah - see Chanukah

Hebrews - that guy makes beer

Homosexuality - intimate activity limited to the place where one lives

Hymn - that guy over there

Idolator - Simon Cowell fan

Israelite - Israeli, but with fewer calories and less fat

Jew - Southern dialect for "Did you?" e.g., "Jeetyet?" "Nope. Jew?"

Justification - ification, nothing more

Moderator - Schwartzenegger in Carnaby Street garb (You have to be over 60 to get that one, I think)

Monotheism - worship of a highly communicable disease endemic among adolescents

Nun - not any

Original Sin - making it with a hippopotamus in a Tinkerbell costume at a Bar Mitzvah, e.g.

Orthodox - piers for your ships that are good for your back

Pantheism - worship of trousers

Paradox - two wharves

Polygamy - the parrot smells bad

Polytheism - worship of parrots

Postmodern Existentialist Weltanschaaung - beats the hell out of me

Predestination - where you think you're going before you leave

Proof of God - amount of alcohol by volume in the Deity

Propaganda - male goose in a tuxedo

Prophecy - in favor of phecy

Proselytizing - selytizing for money

Rabies - Jewish priests

Religion - ligion over again

Subjective - less than jective

Supernatural - way more natural

Theology - study of guys named Ted

Virgin Birth - Richard Branson's founding of his airline

Yahweh - response to "no weh"

[JoeyKnothead]

Lovedem.

I'm guilty on "Jew get my beer?" (did you...?) I can only hope I never end up in the middle of a synagogue and hafta ask that question.

[cnorman18]

Lovedem.

I'm guilty on "Jew get my beer?" (did you...?) I can only hope I never end up in the middle of a synagogue and hafta ask that question.

We don't serve beer in shul very often... Wine, yeah. But don't worry; southern Jews talk like that, too.

"Shalom, y'all!" is something you only hear in Texas, though.

[Goat]

Lovedem.

I'm guilty on "Jew get my beer?" (did you...?) I can only hope I never end up in the middle of a synagogue and hafta ask that question.

We don't serve beer in shul very often... Wine, yeah. But don't worry; southern Jews talk like that, too.

"Shalom, y'all!" is something you only hear in Texas, though.

Actually, I heard it in North Carolina.. but the young lady was from Alabama.

[cnorman18]

Lovedem.

I'm guilty on "Jew get my beer?" (did you...?) I can only hope I never end up in the middle of a synagogue and hafta ask that question.

We don't serve beer in shul very often... Wine, yeah. But don't worry; southern Jews talk like that, too.

"Shalom, y'all!" is something you only hear in Texas, though.

Actually, I heard it in North Carolina.. but the young lady was from Alabama.

Yeah, OK. It's all over the South now. But WE had it first.

Very useful word, actually. Since no one uses the classical English "ye" any more, it's the only unambiguous second-person plural pronoun in the language.

[JoeyKnothead]

An interesting note on "jew..."

If you listen very closely you can sometimes notice some of us'll pronounce it close to "dJew" when we are thinking "did you", and change the pronunciation to "jew" when in our minds we leave out "did" at the exact moment of speech. Subtle as all get out, but a close listen will reveal it.

I personally love how country folk "mangle" the language; from not using enough syllables in a word to using too many in another'n, heavy use of contractions, dropping our "g" on most words, analogies only a mother could love and so much more. I could write whole tomes about my love for the southern tongue.

Of course there's also "correct" wrong uses of words. Some folks'll get a shot, but some of us'll get poked with a hydraulic needle. The beauty of that is here "hydraulic" is a "correct" take on hypodermic (think about it).

And of course a woman who sounds country is a goddess for that fact alone - no matter if she bought the beer or not.

Hillbilly!