What am I to do?

[askerofmanyquestions]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

[OnceConvinced]

Thanks for all the great advice. Much of what I have read thus far rings true with what I know I am going to have to do eventually: tell the truth. I confess, I'm scared. One of the primary reasons my wife was initially attracted to me and subsiquently married me was because of my devout faith. At the time, my beliefs were truly geniune and sincere. It was only after we became engaged that I began to seriously question the validity and truth of my beliefs.

Several times as I have tried to hint towards my skepticism, my wife has stated that had I shared such beliefs on our first date, there would not have been a second one. I know that she loves me, but I know that she loves God more. If she ever decides that she must choose between a relationship with me and a relationship with God, she would choose God.

Well I would think if she loved you as much as she claims, then she would be willing to work around it. If she's not willing to do that, then she is probably not worth wasting time with. Anyway, are you sure she'd leave you? You yourself must know that Christians often like to talk big and make out they are holy and strong in the faith, but when it comes to the crunch how often do they really back it up? I'm sure you are aware now there is no Holy Spirit providing her with strength, so unless she's the real stubborn type, she's probably not going to back up her words. If she really wants her marriage to last forever, she'll stay with you. I think the real test will be how much you are willing to put up with her attempts to draw you back into the faith.

Certainly, I would never intentially contribute to bringing her to this crisis of belief, but I fear that her extreme devotion for her God would leave her with no other options. I truly love my wife more than myself. If I have to live a lie in order to continue in my marriage, I will. Is that pathetic?

I can fully understand that. I am really torn about my own kids faith. Knowing how difficult it is to discover you've been in a delusion for almost 40 years of your life, it's really heart breaking. That's one major reason I'm reluctant to share my deconversion with my kids. I'm torn on that one though. At the moment the best I can do is to discuss religion unbiasedly with them and make them realise that just because another Christian says something or even just because the bible says something doesn't make it true. I don't think you are being pathetic at all. It is a big deal and unless someone has been a committed Christian themselves and deconverted they will not understand it.

Just for the record, we have been married for three years and have no children. Although we hope for some in the near future.

But I certainly agree with others, if you are planning on having kids, you need her to know the truth. Otherwise you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.

[Bekki659]

^ Speaking as a woman, I can say that if my significant other approached me and just upright said "Hey, look here. I'm not christian anymore, get over it or leave", I probably WOULD leave.

Since we don't know him or his wife, we are unable to judge how he should approach the confession- all we can really say is that he should make it.

If it were me, I would approach it very gently. I suppose you could use her initial reaction to the introduction of the subject as a judge to how you should proceed- if she immediately recoils, you have to find a more creative, less severe way to take it on. I dont mean to drag it out over a long period of time, just realize that religion (especially to those who are so rooted in theirs) is an incredibly difficult subject for her. Most importantly, be straight forward, but think ahead of time how what your saying can have the least detrimental impact.

Perhaps first just introduce that fact that you have doubts. Gradually work to the fact that you no longer believe in god... tact is crucial.

And yes, were I her, I would absolutely have a heart attack. You cant really expect her to take it well... you might want to be ready for strong retaliation on her part. Explain that you understand that she wants you to be a good christian, but your beliefs have changed, and you do not wish to be saved, or whatever (I dont know what the appropriate fix to this would be in a Christian's eyes ). Be firm.... but remember tact.

It might be helpful to just ask yourself exactly how much you are willing to fight for this marriage. Weigh it carefully.

She may need a while to think it over; you may have lost faith in religion, but you dont have to throw away your faith in your marriage too.

Edit: I'm too tired- I should have just said nothing

[Beto]

^ Speaking as a woman, I can say that if my significant other approached me and just upright said "Hey, look here. I'm not christian anymore, get over it or leave", I probably WOULD leave.

If you're referring to my advice, this is being neither decided nor "manly", it's being an a-hole.

Since we don't know him or his wife, we are unable to judge how he should approach the confession- all we can really say is that he should make it.

We don't know either of them, but we can be objective about the situation, and how women generally react to a specific behavior. He, most likely, cannot. People in love tend to behave inappropriately in potential break-up situations, don't you think? If he's asking for advise, I have to be honest about it. He will have several opinions to weigh.

If it were me, I would approach it very gently.

I'm not suggesting a roundhouse kick to the head. Just a decided and confident posture. I trust he won't read too much into that.

I suppose you could use her initial reaction to the introduction of the subject as a judge to how you should proceed- if she immediately recoils, you have to find a more creative, less severe way to take it on.

This isn't a chess game with Kasparov.

I dont mean to drag it out over a long period of time, just realize that religion (especially to those who are so rooted in theirs) is an incredibly difficult subject for her. Most importantly, be straight forward, but think ahead of time how what your saying can have the least detrimental impact.

By his own comments, we can assume she pretty much knows he lost his faith. Indulging her in pretending she doesn't know might send the wrong message.

Perhaps first just introduce that fact that you have doubts. Gradually work to the fact that you no longer believe in god... tact is crucial.

Honestly, there's always a measure of "game" involved, where women "test" men with over-dramatic reactions. Religion or not, this situation is not likely to be an exception. I know I'm gonna get flak for this one.

And yes, were I her, I would absolutely have a heart attack. You cant really expect her to take it well... you might want to be ready for strong retaliation on her part.

That's exactly what I meant.

Explain that you understand that she wants you to be a good christian, but your beliefs have changed, and you do not wish to be saved, or whatever (I dont know what the appropriate fix to this would be in a Christian's eyes ). Be firm.... but remember tact.

If he's up for it, he might as well say he doesn't mind her trying to restore his faith, within reasonable behavior. That may be all she really needs.

[askerofmanyquestions]

Once again, thanks for all the advice. I assure you that you are not going to hurt my feelings by being honest with me. I did indeed post my initial question in order to hear sound, objective advice from total strangers. I have found that strangers will often be more honest than my close friends. Your honesty is greatly appreciated.

However, I make no apologies for seeking ways to keep my marriage in tact. I am like anyone else. I would prefer to have my cake and eat it too. If being true to my convictions and keeping my marriage in tact proves to be an unrealistic option, I will choose to keep my marriage in tact. Say what you will about this decision. I do not need your affirmation. I am the only one who gets to live my life. Should I not live it in the way I see fit?

The bottom line is this, just because I have a difference of opinion from my wife doesn't mean that I am willing to compromise our happiness together. Life is short. I choose to spend it with someone I love regardless of differences. Period.

[Zzyzx]

.

If being true to my convictions and keeping my marriage in tact proves to be an unrealistic option, I will choose to keep my marriage in tact. Say what you will about this decision. I do not need your affirmation. I am the only one who gets to live my life. Should I not live it in the way I see fit?

I applaud your decision. It is your life and you are not required to seek approval. It is wise to seek advice and input from others – then make a decision and be responsible for all outcomes.

Many marriages include religious differences; some more successful and peaceful than others. Religious belief is ONLY an opinion (though it can affect much of life) and opinion varies with the individual and with time and conditions.

We cannot know how often one partner masquerades as being religious rather than risking disruption or feigns more belief and conviction than is real.

It is inappropriate, in my opinion, for anyone to tell you what you "should do" because they cannot know the intricacies of your situation AND because they cannot be responsible for the outcomes of your decisions. It is similarly inappropriate for others to express disapproval of your choices unless they have "walked a mile in your moccasins."

[Beto]

Once again, thanks for all the advice. I assure you that you are not going to hurt my feelings by being honest with me. I did indeed post my initial question in order to hear sound, objective advice from total strangers. I have found that strangers will often be more honest than my close friends. Your honesty is greatly appreciated.

However, I make no apologies for seeking ways to keep my marriage in tact. I am like anyone else. I would prefer to have my cake and eat it too. If being true to my convictions and keeping my marriage in tact proves to be an unrealistic option, I will choose to keep my marriage in tact. Say what you will about this decision. I do not need your affirmation. I am the only one who gets to live my life. Should I not live it in the way I see fit?

The bottom line is this, just because I have a difference of opinion from my wife doesn't mean that I am willing to compromise our happiness together. Life is short. I choose to spend it with someone I love regardless of differences. Period.

I think everyone agrees that you should try to keep your marriage intact, and that you should come clean with her. How you go about it could fill a great many pages. Opinions may vary on the approach, but my advice is basically to be mindful of women's counter-intuitiveness.

[McCulloch]

If it were me, I would approach it very gently. [...] tact is crucial.

I agree, this is not the time for the John the Baptist School of Diplomacy.

The bottom line is this, just because I have a difference of opinion from my wife doesn't mean that I am willing to compromise our happiness together. Life is short. I choose to spend it with someone I love regardless of differences. Period.

Make absolutely sure that she clearly knows this.


Revision of an old joke:

Husband: Honey, I feel that I have been living a lie. We cannot continue this way. I have got to tell you the truth. I feel that I have betrayed you that I have let you down. But we have to get it out in the open, even though it will hurt. I love you and you have a right to know the truth about me, no matter how much it may hurt. Our friends and family will certainly judge me harshly, we might have to move to another state and change our names.

Wife: OMG, what is it? Have you had an affair? Is there a love child? Are you secretly gay? Are we in legal trouble?

Husband: No, none of those. I just don't believe in God anymore.

[justifyothers]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

Wow - that is quite the problem. I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I agree with your decision about your wife.

A good marriage is so important and so RARE. I don't think your lie is that big of a deal and honestly, if your wife suspects, she probably does not want to know. I'm sure she enjoys her marriage too

I wish you the best with this situation.

[otseng]

However, I make no apologies for seeking ways to keep my marriage in tact. I am like anyone else. I would prefer to have my cake and eat it too. If being true to my convictions and keeping my marriage in tact proves to be an unrealistic option, I will choose to keep my marriage in tact. Say what you will about this decision. I do not need your affirmation. I am the only one who gets to live my life. Should I not live it in the way I see fit?

There is another option that nobody seemed to have mentioned. To regain your faith. Yes, I know atheists think that this is an impossible task. But, having been an atheist and coming to Christianity during college, I would say it's not improbable. Myself, it was reasoning that led me to be a Christian. So, though the naysayers would disagree, I believe there are sufficient evidence out there to bring someone to believe. So, I would say this would be the only path if you want to have your cake and eat it too.

[Homicidal_Cherry53]

However, I make no apologies for seeking ways to keep my marriage in tact. I am like anyone else. I would prefer to have my cake and eat it too. If being true to my convictions and keeping my marriage in tact proves to be an unrealistic option, I will choose to keep my marriage in tact. Say what you will about this decision. I do not need your affirmation. I am the only one who gets to live my life. Should I not live it in the way I see fit?

There is another option that nobody seemed to have mentioned. To regain your faith. Yes, I know atheists think that this is an impossible task. But, having been an atheist and coming to Christianity during college, I would say it's not improbable. Myself, it was reasoning that led me to be a Christian. So, though the naysayers would disagree, I believe there are sufficient evidence out there to bring someone to believe. So, I would say this would be the only path if you want to have your cake and eat it too.

Yes, but this is not something that he can necessarily control. He can't make himself believe something that he doesn't. It isn't impossible for him to become a Christian again, but he has little control over it, which makes it a relatively impractical solution. While I agree that this would allow him to "have his cake and eat it too," belief is not something that can be easily controlled. He can say to himself "I'm a Christian" all he wants, but unless he "sees the light", so to speak, and sees some logic to the Christianity that he did not see before, he will still be an atheist. It all hinges on him seeing some logic to Christianity which has been rejected by many (and accepted by many, incidentally), including himself.