What is the one thing that's missing?

[ConiectoErgoSum]

I feel like most of us have a desire for some major thing that we don't have. So what's that one thing - a serious, big-deal type thing - that you wish you had? I don't mean like a nice car or a new toy... I mean something that you feel you explicitly need, in order to be satisfied, that is not there. That if this thing suddenly came into your life you would be the happiest person in the world.

Maybe for a poor person it would be "financial stability", or for a loner it would be "community". Oh and part of the advantage of Internet forums is anonymity, so feel free to divulge things you wouldn't say to just anyone. Not like anyone here is gonna judge you... and if they do, who cares right? For me, it's "dating". I feel like the whole concept of dating is a foreign thing to me, and its a very big deal that it's not there. That everyone else takes it for granted and enjoys it, almost casually, like it's no big deal.

So what's your thing that's missing?

[ChaosBorders]

In late 2008, I met someone online, who over the process of a few years, I have developed a very deep and personal friendship with.

It is in no way shape or form an exaggeration to say that I truly love her. And I know that she also loves me -- there's no doubt.

Here's what sucks...

When I first met her at an online gaming chat room, she had a boyfriend -- which I didn't know at first. However it wasn't long before I found out.

Since I've met her she broke up with him and started dating another guy for 6 months. Now she is back with him again.

She loves him and has been in a relationship with him for years now. I doubt very seriously that she could be with someone else for very long without going back to him. They love each other too much.

That is very unfortunate. I certainly know the feeling of liking a girl who has a boyfriend (such as the current girl I like) but this particular situation is probably one of the highest on my lists of nightmare scenarios.

And did I mention she lives in the UK?

This is quite probably a good thing. Seeing her in person frequently would likely only intensify your feelings for her.

We are friends - almost sibling-like on a level of closeness. This is because, via the anonymity of the internet, I have been her confidant -- that is, she has shared things with me about her life, her stresses and her problems and her emotional pains -- and I too have shared similar things in return.

What started out as a silly online crush became a serious online personal friendship.

I have not met her yet, but I plan to while I'm studying abroad in the near-future.

I practically know everything about her, so it's not like I will be meeting a stranger.

....


What really hurts me most, is that I loved and cared about her so much that I ended up creating a bond between us that no matter how close -- can never become a romantic relationship.

The distance and religious differences and family acceptance on either side would be difficult obstacles to overcome, but what makes a long term romantic relationship impossible is:

A. The fact that she loves her boyfriend, and will always love him.

B. Her bi-polar disorder would make it hard for her to stay faithful to me even if she was not in a relationship with her boyfriend. I don't really want to go into details here. Read up about bi polar relationships on the internet and you will see what I mean.

One of the few things I can imagine to be worse than falling for someone with bipolar would be to have it. I've known enough people with it to know that if I had bipolar I would end my life as quickly as I could without hesitation.

After all that info...

What I wanted to say was...

I wish she was my wife.

If she was, then I'd be the happiest man on earth.


It doesn't feel right to date anyone else -- I've tried and it always felt wrong -- like I was betraying her in some way, even when she was in a relationship herself.

It's hard to want to date when your first love holds a permanent piece of real estate in your heart.

I've never really truly loved anyone else (outside my family of course).

Heartbreaking. But there is a good chance you are idealizing the situation. The reality of being with someone bipolar, as I'm sure you've already researched, is often incredibly stressful.

idk, I guess it's just painful to hope and want something you can never have...

Though I've never suffered it in quite as concrete a fashion as yourself, this is one of the few pains I can truly empathize with, rather than merely feel sympathy for.

Somehow, I feel that fact will always leave an empty feeling inside of me.

Have you talked to her openly about all of this? If you haven't, or if you have depending upon the ambiguity of the conversation, there is at least some chance some of your emotions are being influenced by the chemical process of limerence.

If you've ruled out limerence, then I would suggest seeking counseling. The situation you have found yourself in is a devastating one, but if you learn to love others besides her, and not view it as being a betrayal, you will likely be a much happier person in the long-run.

Another thing that would be great is if my relationship with God was better.

It's not as close as it used to be -- which really has nothing to do with my beliefs about science or whatever...

To explain it to non theists -- I guess I wish I was more spiritual... and that my spiritual/emotional/psychological relationship with God was in a better place...

It just feels like something is not like it should be...

Ditto. When I came into the view of God I have now, it fundamentally changed how I thought about things and who I was as a person. That remains true, almost a year later, but the emotional connection I felt when I first arrived at my conclusions has diminished and I miss it. The closest I've come lately was in the Vicodin and sleep deprivation induced haze I found myself in during the early hours of the morning after taking a pill to take away the intense arm pain I had that kept me from going back to sleep after waking up at 3:30 in the morning. The odd feeling of thinking things were terribly, terribly wrong but that everything would be just fine and I shouldn't worry about it.

It's like not being able to have the one's you love the most.

No matter how close they are, there's always a sense of distance and longing for something closer and better...



Am I the only one who feels like this?

You are most certainly not the only one who feels like this. I, for one, have often had that feeling throughout my life. It has been far better this past year, but even now it pops up from time to time.

LOL wow how depressing. I really need to get a life.

Forcing yourself to become more active and engaged with others is almost always beneficial, certainly. And your situation is most definitely heartbreaking. I am glad you posted it though. I had a very bad day (worst thus far of the semester) but this certainly put my own problems back into perspective.

I really wish I could help, but though advice I could give might benefit you in the long-term it would likely be difficult for you to follow through in the short-term. Thus the only thing I can really recommend is:
A) Discuss all of your feelings for her with the girl if you haven't already.
B) Seek counseling. Professional advice and help may help you overcome the feelings of betraying her that you have when dating others. It may take awhile, but eventually you may be able to fall in love with someone else. Certainly if you can get past those feelings, something like Eharmony might work well for you given you could in effect develop a relationship along similar lines as you did with her but with the possibility of it actually becoming a romantic one.

[Baz]

that one thing - a serious, big-deal type thing - that you wish you had? [/quote]

Time
Time to be more than I am.
By some methods of assessment you could say I was average; not wealthy or in serious financial difficulty. I live in Bristol England and have three children and a dog, I enjoy my work. I am not very fit but not ill or badly impaired in any way. I was raised in a loving family and consider myself reasonably intelligent but not very well educated.
But from my point of view I am unique and blessed with being when and where I am. I know that everybody else is also unique and only hope that they to have the same feeling as me in so much as "I wouldn’t want to change places with anybody". I have had both good and bad. I can say well if this or that and what if this or that but when I look closely at the proposition of an actual life swop I can’t imagine anybody else past present of future I would rather be.

I do wish I could manipulate time so that I could do more of everything. What if I could go to the gym and pub at the same time, lie in the sun and go to a movie, finish that job at work and spend the day at home, learn more and play more . I don’t want to live forever or even to an over ripe old age but for me "time is a gift and a curse" If only I could make it do what I want.

[Lux]

Now in fairness to dolphins, they are not all cruel. They're also one of the few animals to demonstrate altruism outside of even their own species. They just happen to have their share of 'psychopath' equivalents.

And unfortunately, most people probably would like a psychopath with an IQ of 160 until they were screwed over by him. They're incredibly charming and gifted. They're also completely amoral. More than a few politicians and successful business men are probably extremely adept psychopaths. Bernie Madoff, for instance, until he was finally caught.

Yeah I thought about that soon after posting it, I probably would. After all they are great pretenders, and I have quite the gift for finding complicated relationships, both friend and romantic type.

What I should have said was I wouldn't like someone that I know to be cruel, no matter how smart. And that I no longer like all dolphins (like I used to).

[otseng]

I feel like most of us have a desire for some major thing that we don't have. So what's that one thing - a serious, big-deal type thing - that you wish you had? I don't mean like a nice car or a new toy... I mean something that you feel you explicitly need, in order to be satisfied, that is not there. That if this thing suddenly came into your life you would be the happiest person in the world.

Maybe for a poor person it would be "financial stability", or for a loner it would be "community". Oh and part of the advantage of Internet forums is anonymity, so feel free to divulge things you wouldn't say to just anyone. Not like anyone here is gonna judge you... and if they do, who cares right? For me, it's "dating". I feel like the whole concept of dating is a foreign thing to me, and its a very big deal that it's not there. That everyone else takes it for granted and enjoys it, almost casually, like it's no big deal.

So what's your thing that's missing?

In late 2008, I met someone online, who over the process of a few years, I have developed a very deep and personal friendship with.

It is in no way shape or form an exaggeration to say that I truly love her. And I know that she also loves me -- there's no doubt.

Here's what sucks...

When I first met her at an online gaming chat room, she had a boyfriend -- which I didn't know at first. However it wasn't long before I found out.

Since I've met her she broke up with him and started dating another guy for 6 months. Now she is back with him again.

She loves him and has been in a relationship with him for years now. I doubt very seriously that she could be with someone else for very long without going back to him. They love each other too much.

And did I mention she lives in the UK?

...


We are friends - almost sibling-like on a level of closeness. This is because, via the anonymity of the internet, I have been her confidant -- that is, she has shared things with me about her life, her stresses and her problems and her emotional pains -- and I too have shared similar things in return.

What started out as a silly online crush became a serious online personal friendship.

I have not met her yet, but I plan to while I'm studying abroad in the near-future.

I practically know everything about her, so it's not like I will be meeting a stranger.

....


What really hurts me most, is that I loved and cared about her so much that I ended up creating a bond between us that no matter how close -- can never become a romantic relationship.

The distance and religious differences and family acceptance on either side would be difficult obstacles to overcome, but what makes a long term romantic relationship impossible is:

A. The fact that she loves her boyfriend, and will always love him.

B. Her bi-polar disorder would make it hard for her to stay faithful to me even if she was not in a relationship with her boyfriend. I don't really want to go into details here. Read up about bi polar relationships on the internet and you will see what I mean.


...


After all that info...

What I wanted to say was...

I wish she was my wife.

If she was, then I'd be the happiest man on earth.


It doesn't feel right to date anyone else -- I've tried and it always felt wrong -- like I was betraying her in some way, even when she was in a relationship herself.

It's hard to want to date when your first love holds a permanent piece of real estate in your heart.

I've never really truly loved anyone else (outside my family of course).


...


idk, I guess it's just painful to hope and want something you can never have...

.... in this case... a relationship (more than a friendship) with the only person I ever loved....


Somehow, I feel that fact will always leave an empty feeling inside of me.

Thanks for sharing.

From the sound of it, it seems like this female friend does not ever have the intention of getting romantically involved with you. And to avoid disappointments, it's best to accept this for yourself also. Don't let this stop you from developing relationships with others. And there's no need to feel that dating others would be wrong since there is no mutual relationship between you and her.

---


Another thing that would be great is if my relationship with God was better.

It's not as close as it used to be -- which really has nothing to do with my beliefs about science or whatever...

To explain it to non theists -- I guess I wish I was more spiritual... and that my spiritual/emotional/psychological relationship with God was in a better place...

It just feels like something is not like it should be...

So I guess you could say, in much the same way... it seems I cannot have this either...

...

The biggest help is to be part of a group that is sincere about God. Being a lone coal is difficult to keep burning bright. But being a part of a campfire makes it easier to be on fire yourself.

[otseng]

I wish I could be fluent in Mandarin Chinese. I can understand and speak some, but not enough to have any deep discussions. And unfortunately, I don't have enough time or motivation to really learn it now.

[McCulloch]

I certainly know the feeling of liking a girl who has a boyfriend (such as the current girl I like)

I don't quite understand this. OK, I understand wanting a relationship that is not available to you. Do you respect the judgment of this girl? If so, then respect her choice to be with someone else. If not, then why pursue a relationship with her? Or are you just waiting for your turn?

[Lux]

In late 2008, I met someone online, who over the process of a few years, I have developed a very deep and personal friendship with.

It is in no way shape or form an exaggeration to say that I truly love her. And I know that she also loves me -- there's no doubt.

Here's what sucks...

When I first met her at an online gaming chat room, she had a boyfriend -- which I didn't know at first. However it wasn't long before I found out.

Since I've met her she broke up with him and started dating another guy for 6 months. Now she is back with him again.

She loves him and has been in a relationship with him for years now. I doubt very seriously that she could be with someone else for very long without going back to him. They love each other too much.

And did I mention she lives in the UK?

...


We are friends - almost sibling-like on a level of closeness. This is because, via the anonymity of the internet, I have been her confidant -- that is, she has shared things with me about her life, her stresses and her problems and her emotional pains -- and I too have shared similar things in return.

What started out as a silly online crush became a serious online personal friendship.

I have not met her yet, but I plan to while I'm studying abroad in the near-future.

I practically know everything about her, so it's not like I will be meeting a stranger.

....


What really hurts me most, is that I loved and cared about her so much that I ended up creating a bond between us that no matter how close -- can never become a romantic relationship.

The distance and religious differences and family acceptance on either side would be difficult obstacles to overcome, but what makes a long term romantic relationship impossible is:

A. The fact that she loves her boyfriend, and will always love him.

B. Her bi-polar disorder would make it hard for her to stay faithful to me even if she was not in a relationship with her boyfriend. I don't really want to go into details here. Read up about bi polar relationships on the internet and you will see what I mean.


...


After all that info...

What I wanted to say was...

I wish she was my wife.

If she was, then I'd be the happiest man on earth.


It doesn't feel right to date anyone else -- I've tried and it always felt wrong -- like I was betraying her in some way, even when she was in a relationship herself.

It's hard to want to date when your first love holds a permanent piece of real estate in your heart.

I've never really truly loved anyone else (outside my family of course).


...


idk, I guess it's just painful to hope and want something you can never have...

.... in this case... a relationship (more than a friendship) with the only person I ever loved....


Somehow, I feel that fact will always leave an empty feeling inside of me.

---

Thank you for sharing this... I can relate to this story a great deal. Let me say that I honestly hope it works out for the best and that you come out of it looking ahead.

I must say that a long distance relationship with someone you can't trust to be faithful is an emotionally wrecking experience. I don't know if you are still hoping to have a relationship with her, but I'd suggest you start by deciding whether or not you think it's worth a try and going from there on. Limbo is a sucky place to be in...

Best of luck, Rhonan.

[Coldfire]

Dolphins are among the most intelligent creatures on the planet, by some measures even smarter than chimpanzees.

ever since I heard that dolphins torture weaker creatures I haven't looked at them the same way.

I realize they are remarkably smart, but that doesn't really make me like them better, same way I wouldn't like a psychopath with an IQ of 160.

These quotes brought something to my attention.

I haven’t personally done research in animal intelligence level, but a lot of people hear these assertions enough to assume that the scientist who do the studies are correct in their analysis. Animal intelligence is a debatable topic in itself, however I will assume that the current view or opinion held by the majority of people is right for the sake of argument.

What was brought to my attention is that dolphins, chimps, and perhaps other proposed intelligent species show signs of psychopathic behavior as currently categorized by what the human species deems “psychopathic� We humans show these all to obvious signs as well, I’m sure I will not find disagreement there.

I wonder if there is a link to this. Perhaps higher level intelligence somehow causes insanity, or perhaps as a species shows a higher intelligence level it is easier for people to also see insanity that is possibly among all types of animals.

I didn’t mean to deviate from the OP, just something I was thinking about.

As far as what I would most desire that would fulfill me and bring total happiness: Well, ever since I was about 12 or 13 years old I have had visions (daydreams) of a particular planet in the universe where I can fulfill my purpose, where I would have a life with exceeding joy, where I would fall on my knees with tears in my eyes if I ever go there, and where I would eventually die a happy man. I had a passion to write a series of novels about this planet. And although the desire is still there to write, I realized that neither words nor pictures would describe the beauty of this place. I like to think this place really exists. Sadly though, since I am able to respond to this post it means I am not there.

A more attainable desire of mine would be to live alone, away from human life. As a loner, I wouldn’t want community, that wouldn’t make sense. I want to be alone naturally. This might explain why my relationships in the past have not worked out. Although I am flattered and “give it a chance� the relationship soon fails when my lack of affection and true nature manifest itself.

[Lux]

These quotes brought something to my attention.

I haven’t personally done research in animal intelligence level, but a lot of people hear these assertions enough to assume that the scientist who do the studies are correct in their analysis. Animal intelligence is a debatable topic in itself, however I will assume that the current view or opinion held by the majority of people is right for the sake of argument.

What was brought to my attention is that dolphins, chimps, and perhaps other proposed intelligent species show signs of psychopathic behavior as currently categorized by what the human species deems “psychopathic� We humans show these all to obvious signs as well, I’m sure I will not find disagreement there.

I wonder if there is a link to this. Perhaps higher level intelligence somehow causes insanity, or perhaps as a species shows a higher intelligence level it is easier for people to also see insanity that is possibly among all types of animals.

The smarter the species, the higher the chances of observing complex personality traits in individuals. Animals that are somewhat intelligent and can be trained to learn a limited number of "tricks" (such as dogs or horses) display signs of personality (some are more hostile towards humans than others, for example).

With creatures of remarkable intelligence, like dolphins or chimpanzees, very complex traits such as altruism can be observed. I don't know if dolphins are advanced enough yet to have psychopathic individuals at the same level as we humans do. Psychopathy is an incredibly complicated thing, we don't even really understand it yet.

I didn’t mean to deviate from the OP, just something I was thinking about.

Threads in the General Chat section tend to go a little off course.

[ChaosBorders]

I certainly know the feeling of liking a girl who has a boyfriend (such as the current girl I like)

I don't quite understand this. OK, I understand wanting a relationship that is not available to you. Do you respect the judgment of this girl? If so, then respect her choice to be with someone else. If not, then why pursue a relationship with her? Or are you just waiting for your turn?

Girls, especially when young, have a strong bias towards good looking guys who are not necessarily the most intelligent or particularly good at relationships. 90% of the time they'll eventually do some jerk move and lose their girl so I've fairly recently decided to try and not hold poor choices in a boyfriend against otherwise attractive/intelligent girls.

I've changed my attitude towards this too recently to know whether it was a good change or not.