Little bit of an upcoming personal dellima

[Bekki659]

Oh, probably nobody remembers me, since Ive been so busy with my life and have no time for anything extra.

I have family and friends who I would ordinarily discuss this with, but they would a) tell me that I worry to much b) tell me not to worry YET or c) not even know whats going on because Im way too embarrassed about the situation to talk to them about it.

But this is a legitimate concern, and I would really appreciate advice from a community that closely resembles my family in religious beliefs/spirituality and maturity.

Anyway, here is the story:

I'm 19, 20 later this year. I have a long term boyfriend who is extremely supportive and amazing. I have a great mom, and a 15 year old sister. My dad is currently in Afghanistan with the army corps of engineers till his tour ends in august.

I'm currently in between colleges, after finishing a year at one college, Im awaiting acceptance from another college that is closer to home (and family).

My mom lost her job last week, which we never saw coming. We're fine, because my dad makes enough money to keep us going, but its going to make my situation for the next year difficult.

I am supposed to be going to this good state college about 45 minutes away from my mom's house. I am supposed to be getting an apartment there, as I did at the other school, where I am supposed to live with my two dogs.

However, my dad's tour coming to and end and my moms loss of a job happened to come at the same time, which is BAD.

My dad decided that it "may be a good idea" for me to live at home for the next year while we continue to pay off bills. But... HE would be home too, from the sound of it.

And that is a major problem to me. I would sooner live in a BOX on the side of the road than with him. We had major, major problems when I was younger. He verbally beat my down to a pulp, and it took years of "fixing" to get me to where I am, and years of therapy and drugs to get him to where he belongs.

Him being away has resulted in a major attitude adjustment, however, I dont feel that any amount of being in a dry, dusty desert can change who he is.

I refuse to live with him again.

And I know that sounds stupid and childish, but as soon as I remember how I felt- like the time I literally fell down in the highschool hallways crying because of him- I cant do it again. Im just now starting to become confident and just now building a good relationship with my mom. I dont want to loose that. AND to top it off, my dad is much more conservative with me+boyfriend. Basically I get downgraded from adult to child if he starts to interfere in my relationship.
He constantly belittles me, suppresses my emotions, wont allow me to speak my mind, and bullies me into doing things that absolutely defy every fiber of my being. Him= very military like, me= artsy, fashion loving, boyfriend loving, deep thinking, slightly slobby and a little slow moving.

My life is miserable with him. I cant be myself... and Im so not willing to give that up, seeing as how I have just started to discover it.
I love my dad, but living with him isnt healthy.

Any advice on how to deal with it would be so much appreciated, whether its advice on family, money, jobs, boyfriend, ect, anything that applies.

Its so complicated, so feel free to ask for clarification I guess... heck, I dont even know what the point of this post is anymore

[cnorman18]

My heart goes out to you. I can see that this is a big problem, and I don't think you're being childish or selfish at all.

My sympathy isn't of much practical help, though. Here are a few suggestions that you've probably already thought of, but I'll offer them anyway;

First, it's probably not too late to apply for financial aid at your school. That would help.

Second, how about a part-time job? That would help too. As far as that goes, if your living at home for a year means you wouldn't be going to school, how about a full-time job so you can just move out? Experience in the real world, all that. You can sell it to your parents.

Think about renting a room in someone's home instead of an apartment. Lots of older people need extra income, and have extra space. It's better than living at home, right? You might even combine that with helping them out with some light housework and/or cooking in exchange for a break on the rent.

Maybe do all of these. You'll be helping out your family AND getting away from your toxic dad.

If I think of more ideas, I'll PM you. But maybe this is a start.

Good luck.

Charles

[OnceConvinced]

I'm becoming more aware of how good the advice is to only surround yourself with positive people. Don't put up with people belittling you and making you feel awful. Don't be around them if you can be somewhere else.

I know as a teenager who left home at an early age, it was difficult to become independent. I still tended to rely a lot on other adults. Not because I was a wimp, but because I was so used to it, especially having a mother who was over protective. The thing is, after a year or two, I learnt that I was now able to make decisions for myself. I was in charge of my own life and didn't have to worry about pleasing every adult around me. I think maybe you might be in that situation now, thinking you have to please your parents. But the thing is you can move out on your own and you can do your own thing. Your parents must surely be expecting that is going to happen, so to move out should not be a problem for them. If it is, then it's something they need to get over. I guess the problem is you are not in the financial situation to do that, but if you can, I think it would be a good thing, for your own indepedence and even for your relationships with your parents. I found I got on a lot better with them when I wasn't under their roof.

I don't know if any of that helps, but that was just my thoughts after reading your post. I think you'd be better off not being under your parents roof, even though you and your mother may be close and she might be going through a rough time at the moment.

[Bekki659]

Thank you both for your kind words.
The thing is, Im not trying to move out on my own. Im trying to go to college, which without my parents, going to leave me with huge debt, worse than Im already having. So as long as they will support me, I will allow them to and try to live by their rules. Its been working perfectly, because Ive lived in a different town, and my dad has been out of the country.
We'll see...

[otseng]

Financial stress makes things overall much more difficult. And I'd say give your parents some level of understanding because they carry the main weight of the burden of providing.

But, I'd ask this though, have you talked to your mom on her advice?

[Bekki659]

My mom says she will do her best to get me out of the house by the time he gets back.
She kind of missed out on the first part of our issues because she thought I was just being a drama queen (as I was about being sick and such when I was little), then when she found out that I indeed was having problems with him, she got with the program, and has since made it her mission to rebuild my confidence. So yes, she understands the problem, and she agrees that its best that we just dont live together.

[Vanguard]

Oh, probably nobody remembers me, since Ive been so busy with my life and have no time for anything extra.

I have family and friends who I would ordinarily discuss this with, but they would a) tell me that I worry to much b) tell me not to worry YET or c) not even know whats going on because Im way too embarrassed about the situation to talk to them about it.

But this is a legitimate concern, and I would really appreciate advice from a community that closely resembles my family in religious beliefs/spirituality and maturity.

Anyway, here is the story:

I'm 19, 20 later this year. I have a long term boyfriend who is extremely supportive and amazing. I have a great mom, and a 15 year old sister. My dad is currently in Afghanistan with the army corps of engineers till his tour ends in august.

I'm currently in between colleges, after finishing a year at one college, Im awaiting acceptance from another college that is closer to home (and family).

My mom lost her job last week, which we never saw coming. We're fine, because my dad makes enough money to keep us going, but its going to make my situation for the next year difficult.

I am supposed to be going to this good state college about 45 minutes away from my mom's house. I am supposed to be getting an apartment there, as I did at the other school, where I am supposed to live with my two dogs.

However, my dad's tour coming to and end and my moms loss of a job happened to come at the same time, which is BAD.

My dad decided that it "may be a good idea" for me to live at home for the next year while we continue to pay off bills. But... HE would be home too, from the sound of it.

And that is a major problem to me. I would sooner live in a BOX on the side of the road than with him. We had major, major problems when I was younger. He verbally beat my down to a pulp, and it took years of "fixing" to get me to where I am, and years of therapy and drugs to get him to where he belongs.

Him being away has resulted in a major attitude adjustment, however, I dont feel that any amount of being in a dry, dusty desert can change who he is.

I refuse to live with him again.

And I know that sounds stupid and childish, but as soon as I remember how I felt- like the time I literally fell down in the highschool hallways crying because of him- I cant do it again. Im just now starting to become confident and just now building a good relationship with my mom. I dont want to loose that. AND to top it off, my dad is much more conservative with me+boyfriend. Basically I get downgraded from adult to child if he starts to interfere in my relationship.
He constantly belittles me, suppresses my emotions, wont allow me to speak my mind, and bullies me into doing things that absolutely defy every fiber of my being. Him= very military like, me= artsy, fashion loving, boyfriend loving, deep thinking, slightly slobby and a little slow moving.

My life is miserable with him. I cant be myself... and Im so not willing to give that up, seeing as how I have just started to discover it.
I love my dad, but living with him isnt healthy.

Any advice on how to deal with it would be so much appreciated, whether its advice on family, money, jobs, boyfriend, ect, anything that applies.

Its so complicated, so feel free to ask for clarification I guess... heck, I dont even know what the point of this post is anymore

Well, it sounds pretty straightforward to me. There is no scenario where you see yourself living under the same roof as your father. As such, you must move out regardless of whether this jeopardizes your status with school. If you must pick up a full-time job in order to pay your rent and such then this is what you must do. Should you find yourself on the short end of bankrolling yourself through college then college will have to wait. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a young adult has done this , no?

HOW you go about exiting your home is more important. Can you do so with grace explaining that you really do feel the need to establish yourself or will you leave complaining that you can't have the best of both worlds all the while blaming your own woes on the situation with your father? Again, these dynamics are not foreign to many young folks striking out on their own.

I vote for gracefully exiting with considerable appreciation for everything your parents have done for you. Express this gratitude to the both of them. Take care to cultivate a relationship that can grow over the next decades. This can be done. Not always so easy but certainly from the sound of things - worth the effort.

[otseng]

Since you and your mom are basically on the same page, that's a good thing. I'd suggest making plans to become financially independent. As cnorman said, find a source of income and have the lowest expenses possible. (For college, I got to split the rent of a 2 bedroom house with 6 guys. Kinda tight, but really cheap! Later, we upgraded to a 4 bedroom with 8 guys.) Also study hard and make good grades, and it'll all pay off in the end.

[Bekki659]

Yes, my mom and I are on the same page.
Moving out without their financial support is an absolute last resort, which will only happen if they cant find a way to pay for my housing. Talking to my mom more about it, she says its unlikely that this will actually happen, thank god.
She says that she will probably get a full time job at a place like barns and noble, then put the salary exclusively towards paying my rent and saving for HER to go back to college, that way she can save up more quickly, and be working towards the ability to get a job she really likes. I really think she understand how serious this could be for me, and I dont think she would allow me to get to the point where I would have to go it alone- Im extremely blessed to have her.

[Goat]

Yes, my mom and I are on the same page.
Moving out without their financial support is an absolute last resort, which will only happen if they cant find a way to pay for my housing. Talking to my mom more about it, she says its unlikely that this will actually happen, thank god.
She says that she will probably get a full time job at a place like barns and noble, then put the salary exclusively towards paying my rent and saving for HER to go back to college, that way she can save up more quickly, and be working towards the ability to get a job she really likes. I really think she understand how serious this could be for me, and I dont think she would allow me to get to the point where I would have to go it alone- Im extremely blessed to have her.

Having at least one parent that you can relate to can be a big help. Try to take matters into your own hands and relieve the burden on your parents as much as you can, but school comes first.. (well , the money and living come first, but if that is covered, school is right behind there)