What am I to do?

[askerofmanyquestions]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

[Zzyzx]

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I looked around the forum a bit, could you please direct me to a thread or discussion about this atheist to christian conversion of yours? I have seen you mention it several times, and I am curious to this line of "evidence" out there that could be construed to prove a god.

I mentioned my conversion briefly here.

I don't really have a single thread where I lay out the details. I have been considering trying to get all my thoughts down in a systematic manner. But, it's been a low priority right now.

Otseng,

Were you saying in the referenced thread that "backmasking" (reverse speech, etc) caused you to begin moving from Atheist to Christian because "god" is the best explanation for its existence? Isn't backmasking generally associated with Satanic beliefs and media tricks rather than with Christianity? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backmasking

It is an interesting topic. Shall we explore in a separate thread?

[otseng]

It is an interesting topic. Shall we explore in a separate thread?

Free free to start it.