Daily laugh

[FinalEnigma]

Everybody likes to laugh, so I thought I'd amuse myself by starting a thread with the purpose of just posting whatever funny things you come across to brighten others' days just a little bit. So feel free to post away. it can be jokes, pictures, funny stories, anything that makes you laugh.

[McCulloch]

A Texas rancher was visiting an Israeli farmer.
"You call this a ranch!", he declared loudly, "Why my spread is so large that if I get into my car at one end of the ranch in the morning and drive towards the other, I won't be off of my own property until well after dark."
"I know what you mean, " replied the Israeli, "I once had a car like that."

[Fallibleone]

A piece of string walked into a pub. The landlord spotted him and asked 'are you a piece of string?' 'Yes', the string replied. 'I'm sorry', said the landlord, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here'. And the string left.

Another piece of string walked in. The landlord spotted him and asked 'are you a piece of string?' 'Yes', the string replied. 'I'm sorry', said the landlord, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here'. And the string left.

Another piece of string entered. 'Are you a piece of string?' asked the barman again. 'No', said the string. 'I'm afraid not'.

[cnorman18]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'  

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
 
The auditor's jaw drops.  Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.  

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between. If I can't, you owe me nothing. If I can, you owe me six grand,' 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
  
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a break-even.
  
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[FinalEnigma]

Answering machine message:

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

[McCulloch]

A piece of string walked into a pub. The landlord spotted him and asked 'are you a piece of string?' 'Yes', the string replied. 'I'm sorry', said the landlord, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here'. And the string left.

Another piece of string walked in. The landlord spotted him and asked 'are you a piece of string?' 'Yes', the string replied. 'I'm sorry', said the landlord, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here'. And the string left.

Another piece of string entered. 'Are you a piece of string?' asked the barman again. 'No', said the string. 'I'm afraid not'.

You missed the part where the third string unravels one of his ends and gets himself into a small tangle before entering the bar. Then the double meaning of "a frayed knot" = "afraid not" makes sense.

[FinalEnigma]

A piece of string walked into a pub. The landlord spotted him and asked 'are you a piece of string?' 'Yes', the string replied. 'I'm sorry', said the landlord, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here'. And the string left.

Another piece of string walked in. The landlord spotted him and asked 'are you a piece of string?' 'Yes', the string replied. 'I'm sorry', said the landlord, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here'. And the string left.

Another piece of string entered. 'Are you a piece of string?' asked the barman again. 'No', said the string. 'I'm afraid not'.

You missed the part where the third string unravels one of his ends and gets himself into a small tangle before entering the bar. Then the double meaning of "a frayed knot" = "afraid not" makes sense.

Oh okay, I thought I was being dense

[cnorman18]

How many of these classic punch lines do you remember?

"Crunch bird, my butt!"

"I was talking to the duck."

"Let me find my keys and we'll drive out."

"She gave me ten dollars change."

"Oh, God! Schultz is dead! Schultz is dead!"

"He didn't say anything. He just licked his eyebrows and left."

"I said, 'Does yours look like that?' and that's the last thing I remember."

"That was when I hit the end of the chain."

"He ain't my dog."

"Really? I thought it said "The Summer of Love, San Francisco, 1967'."

"It took us three days to get the lid closed."

"No, Kimosabe. Grass sticky."

"The doctor said you're gonna die."

"And the bear clasped its paws together and said, 'Lord, I thank you for this which I am about to receive...'"

"Don't laugh, woman! You're next!"

"I was just minding my own business, hiding inside this refrigerator...."

"I don't understand it. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this year."

"Thursday is your day in the barrel."

"Really? What position did she play?"

"No. Somebody stepped on his tongue."

[FinalEnigma]

Two. apparently i don't know many classic jokes.

""I was just minding my own business, hiding inside this refrigerator...."

"I don't understand it. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this year." "

[Fallibleone]

A slug walks into a police station and tells the officer behind the desk 'I've just been assaulted by three snails'. The policeman replies 'all right sir, calm down. Would you recognise them if you saw them again?' The slug answers 'I don't know, it all happened so fast'.

[JoeyKnothead]

A slug walks into a police station and tells the officer behind the desk 'I've just been assaulted by three snails'. The policeman replies 'all right sir, calm down. Would you recognise them if you saw them again?' The slug answers 'I don't know, it all happened so fast'.

And Miss Fallibleone pulls into the lead !

One of my favs in case some ain't heard it:

If a man says something while in the forest, and his wife ain't around, is he still wrong?