Daily laugh

[FinalEnigma]

Everybody likes to laugh, so I thought I'd amuse myself by starting a thread with the purpose of just posting whatever funny things you come across to brighten others' days just a little bit. So feel free to post away. it can be jokes, pictures, funny stories, anything that makes you laugh.

[Ancient of Years]

http://www.puertosantotomas.com/

I'm on my way... as soon as I get around to it.

I cleaned up some - it was getting to big.
Looks like a cool place!

This is my kind of place.

Beautiful! I'd love it... until it snows or gets too cold to sleep under the bridge.

I had a fellow lawyer send me an email today about when to contact me.
I told him my 'working' hours were between 8 AM and Noon, unless I was taking a nap; that I could not guarantee my sobriety after that.

When I was still working I had a 'high speed' (for those days) leased phone line to my home and a computer terminal. (This was pre-web days.) All paid for by the company. I tele-commuted whenever possible. They realized that they got a lot more work out of me if they let me do it my way.

[JoeyKnothead]

Canada has just announced it's entering the US presidential race.

Funny on the one hand, sad on the other'n. A cuss word at the beginning...

Canada declares candidacy

[tam]

[Replying to post 528 by JoeyKnothead]

My son showed me that one yesterday, Joey. Loved it!


Peace!

[Danmark]

Catholics dress up for Mass,
And listen to Gregorian chants.
Atheists just take a pass,
Watch football in their underpants.



Christians have their hymns and pages,
Hava Nagila's for the Jews,
Baptists have the rock of ages,
Atheists just sing the blues.
Romantics play Claire de Lune,
Born agains sing He is risen,
But no one ever wrote a tune,
For godless existentialism.
For Atheists,
There's no good news,
They'll never sing a song of faith.
For atheists,
They have a rule,
The "he" is always lowercase.
The "he" is always lowercase.
Some folks sing a Bach cantata,
Lutherans get Christmas trees,
Atheist songs add up to nada,
But they do have Sundays free.
Pentecostalists sing they sing to heaven,
Coptics have the books of scrolls,
Numerologists can count to seven,
Atheists have rock and roll.
For Atheists,
There's no good news,
They'll never sing a song of faith.
In their songs,
They have a rule,
The "he" is always lowercase.
The "he" is always lowercase.
Atheists, Atheists, Atheists,
Don't have no songs!
Christians have their hymns and pages,
Hava Nagila's for the Jews,
Baptists have the rock of ages,
Atheists just sing the blues.
Catholics dress up for Mass,
And listen to Gregorian chants.
Atheists just take a pass,
Watch football in their underpants.
Watch football in their underpants.
Atheists, Atheists, Atheists,
Don't have no songs!



Read more: Steve Martin - Atheists Don't Have No Songs Lyrics | MetroLyrics

[JoeyKnothead]

Y'all'll swear I'm lyin' right through my tooth, but I'll tell it in a courtalaw...


So I dinged up my truck, and had to take it to the undinger. So the pretty thing and me decided to fetch on after some breakfast at McArches. For the holy grail of the late riser, and the hung over, brunch.

Now y'all need to know, I ain't had an egg mcmuffin since I came off the road. I used to love 'em.

So we get there to the drive up, and pretty thing says "We need us a sausage and egg biscuit, and a sausage egg and cheese mcmuffin for the handsome gentleman in the other seat".

The lady in the box said "We don't serve the mcmuffin this late, would you still like a biscuit?"

I was stunned. "You mean to tell me, you've got all the fixin's for a biscuit, but you refuse to toast an english muffin?"

"We don't serve the mcmuffin this late, do you still want the biscuit."

Pretty thing just drove off in stunned silence, I was reduced to banging my head against the dashboard all the way to get back my truck.

Goo..Day

[puddleglum]

[Replying to post 530 by Danmark]

It's an interesting song but it isn't true. Atheists do have hymns. Here is one of them:

HERETIC HEART

I am a bold and a pagan soul
Come rambling thru this land
I judge the world by my own rights,
And I come by my own hand.
And if you asked me how I've learned
To live so joyously:
My skin, my bones, my heretic heart
Are my authority.

My mother lives her life in fear
My father's an angry man
But I have sung at the ancient rites
And danced on holy land.
I sing the seed out of the ground
And the bird down from the tree
My skin, my bones, my heretic heart
Are my authority.

I once was found but now I'm gone
Out of the faithful fold
Of those who think that holiness
Is to do as you are told
Though man and scripture, priest and law
have all instructed me,
My skin, my bones, my heretic heart
Are my authority.

They tell me Jesus loves me;
I fear he must love in vain.
For what can any Man-god know
Of woman's secret pain?
My healer is the lady moon
Whose tides run deep in me;
My skin, my bones, my heretic heart
Are my authority.

So while I breathe this glorious air
An outlaw I'll remain
My body may not be subdued;
My soul shall not be saved.
And where I may not shout out loud
I'll sing it secretly --
My skin, my bones, my heretic heart
Are my authority.

http://www.hymnary.org/node/7624

[Zzyzx]

.

It's an interesting song but it isn't true. Atheists do have hymns. Here is one of them:

What makes that an “Atheist hymn�?

Notice that the originator of the lyrics self-identifies as a Heretic (which is defined as “someone who believes or teaches something that goes against accepted or official beliefs�). That is NOT synonymous with Atheist. One can be labeled a Heretic when they simply switch beliefs from one religion to another (particularly if that is away from Catholicism).

Notice also that “hymn� is defined as: “A type of song, usually religious, specifically written for the purpose of adoration or prayer, and typically addressed to a deity or deities, or to a prominent figure or personification. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hymn [/quote]

[JoeyKnothead]

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.


One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"


All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"


-beliefnet.com daily jokes

[JoeyKnothead]

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

[JoeyKnothead]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"


Student: "Meat!"


Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"


Student: "Bacon!"


Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"


Student: "Homework!"