What am I to do?

[askerofmanyquestions]

So here's the problem. I am married to a devout Southern Baptist Christian from a devout Southern Baptist family with deep generational Southern Baptist roots. I too have a deeply Southern Baptist heritage. I was, at one time a Southern Baptist minister. Then one day I began to really think, to use my reasoning skills and analytical abilities to ponder the realities and truths that I had believed and professed for my entire life. What did I find? I found that, for me, there is no good reason to believe that god exists. I now consider myself a "closet athiest."

Though I am no longer a minister, my family, friends, and worst of all wife believe me to be a devout, yet reserved Southern Baptist Christian. The reality is, I am no longer even a theist, much less a Christian. I fear that if my wife learned the truth, she would leave me. I have hinted at my reformed beliefs before (i.e., homosexuality is not a sin, prayer doesn't work, no literal seven day creation, etc.) only to find myself in arguments and moments of awkward silences. My wife looks on me with deep pity, sadness, hurt, and confusion. Each of these times I have ended the discussion by assuring my wife that I am indeed a Christian and do indeed believe exactly as she. Each time, I lie to myself and to my wife.

At this point I see no easy solution for my predicament. I must continue lying in order to continue in the most important relationship in my life. Internet forums such as this one seem to be the only places where I can be true to myself. I look forward to asking questions, offerring opinions, and seeking for truth through dialogue with you all. Thanks for welcoming me aboard.

[OnceConvinced]

I don't think there's any rush in making a decision on how you should respond here. I do understand people's points of views on honesty. But becoming an ex-Christian can be a long and painful process and there's nothing wrong with dealing with one thing at a time.

I am where you in in many ways. Ok, my ex and I split up long before I became an ex-Christian. I was never a minister, but I have been in leadership roles. At the moment I have told very few people I am an ex-Christian, mainly because I don't want to be targetted as some special case for reconversion. I also don't want my elderly parents to be upset and worried. I've decided in myself that I will tell people when I am ready to. My kids still don't know. But fortunately I have had no one ask me "am I still a Christian?" and that's because I haven't changed at all. I'm still the same decent guy, not some evil bugger being manipulated by Satan. And I have no one pressuring me to go to church with them. If the question was asked, I'd probably admit it. But I don't see any need to go around telling people when I'm not ready to. Sure, the wife may be a different thing as she is your wife and probably should know. That is a tricky one. But if you feel more comfortable going along with the charade for a bit, then go for it. Deal with it in your time. Probably the best thing though, would be to tell her the truth and tell her to keep it quiet for now if you don't want other's knowing. Hopefully she will respect that.

I think there will come a time where you will say "enough as enough" and "I'm ready to start dealing with people about it". But don't rush it. I can see that time is coming closer for me as I see more and more, the absurdities of Christianity and the bible. Sometimes I even find myself arguing with my parents about certain doctrines, which I always accepted before.

If you want more opinions from ex-Christians themselves, I'd recommend ex-Christian.net.

[Bekki659]

I understand your situation... but in a less serious form. My (serious) boyfriends family is on the extreme side of religion- incredibly conservative. The family I came from more or less lost religion, thus allowing me to explore as I wanted, with no prior bias. I found out a lot about what I believe...

But it now leaves me asking questions? What do we teach our children? Evolution or Creation? Do I allow them to be taken to church with no choice, every Sunday?

No matter what situation, its complicated. The best you can do is be up front with your wife... I understand so much wanting to cling on to your relationship... but really, if she disowns you for having your own thoughts, perhaps the situation needs reconsideration anyway.

[askerofmanyquestions]

Thanks for all the great advice. Much of what I have read thus far rings true with what I know I am going to have to do eventually: tell the truth. I confess, I'm scared. One of the primary reasons my wife was initially attracted to me and subsiquently married me was because of my devout faith. At the time, my beliefs were truly geniune and sincere. It was only after we became engaged that I began to seriously question the validity and truth of my beliefs.

Several times as I have tried to hint towards my skepticism, my wife has stated that had I shared such beliefs on our first date, there would not have been a second one. I know that she loves me, but I know that she loves God more. If she ever decides that she must choose between a relationship with me and a relationship with God, she would choose God. Certainly, I would never intentially contribute to bringing her to this crisis of belief, but I fear that her extreme devotion for her God would leave her with no other options. I truly love my wife more than myself. If I have to live a lie in order to continue in my marriage, I will. Is that pathetic?

Just for the record, we have been married for three years and have no children. Although we hope for some in the near future.

[Bekki659]

That is one thing I can tell you for SURE. You do not want to enter into fatherhood with that kind of thing hovering over your head... what if it becomes unbearable to hide this- and you tell her, only to have her divorce you? If children are involved, it becomes all the worst.

For the sake of your unborn children, if you're going to confront her, do it BEFORE you have kids. At least that way, you two are the only ones getting hurt.

What a horrible situation.

[C-Nub]

Since you asked, sir, I will answer you;

It is pathetic.

If you decided to keep living the lie, then you're not only hurting yourself, but someone you claim to love, only because you selfishly want them around. If her love for God is so important that you must share it to be with her and you simply don't, then that is the way it is. Pretending otherwise means you're wasting all of her time, and it invalidates everything that happens after that point. If she says she loves you, it becomes untrue, because she no longer knows you. If you say you love her, it becomes a lie as well, because you are not demonstrating that with your actions, and without the conviction of actions to back them up, your words are empty, hollow and meaningless.

This isn't complicated, and I'm sorry that it sucks, but you are doing a disservice to yourself and the woman you would have us believe you love by lying to her, and that is something I certainly cannot bring myself to respect or sympathize with.

[Homicidal_Cherry53]

If you truly love her this much, don't you owe her the truth? Even if it may hurt her, if faith is something of such importance to her, don't you think you should tell her of your lack of it? I really understand why you want to avoiding causing her pain, but given how important faith is to her, I can't help but think that she would want to know that you are no longer a Christian so she can decide if she really wants to be with you. By withholding this information from her, you are essentially denying her the ability to decide what is best for her, what will make her happy. I don't feel that that decision should be denied.

[realthinker]

Since you asked, sir, I will answer you;

It is pathetic.

If you decided to keep living the lie, then you're not only hurting yourself, but someone you claim to love, only because you selfishly want them around. If her love for God is so important that you must share it to be with her and you simply don't, then that is the way it is. Pretending otherwise means you're wasting all of her time, and it invalidates everything that happens after that point. If she says she loves you, it becomes untrue, because she no longer knows you. If you say you love her, it becomes a lie as well, because you are not demonstrating that with your actions, and without the conviction of actions to back them up, your words are empty, hollow and meaningless.

This isn't complicated, and I'm sorry that it sucks, but you are doing a disservice to yourself and the woman you would have us believe you love by lying to her, and that is something I certainly cannot bring myself to respect or sympathize with.

What a marvelous show of support. I'm sure the outpouring of compassion seen so far will add a wonderful bounce to his step for days.

You may find it simple, and conceptually it may sound so. But there are other people involved and perhaps they don't deserve to be marginalized so trivially. These are likely the people he's known and loved for his entire life. It's not easy to turn one's back on that. Alone with your honest beliefs is still alone.

If he's coming here to ask questions, I'm guessing the situation isn't one that he's comfortable seeking help with from people he knows. It sounds like there aren't a lot of avenues for support. You do a disservice to all of us if you can't show that the unbelievers have some capacity to understand and deal with life's transitions with at least a little compassion. Religion may not be true, but the events of the human condition that it is called upon to deal with certainly are and so are the emotional struggles that come with them. If the atheist crowd doesn't have an adequate answer for that it will continue to be what people turn to in times of uncertainty.

[McCulloch]

If I have to live a lie in order to continue in my marriage, I will. Is that pathetic?

Just for the record, we have been married for three years and have no children. Although we hope for some in the near future.

If religion is important to her, then don't have children until you discuss this openly with her. If you are happy to remain with her being a person of faith and she is happy (or at least contented) to remain with you as a person of reason, then you can work things out. But until you discus it, you are asking for trouble. Understand, however, that you cannot change her, and she is most likely not going to change you.

If you have the time, view some old re-runs of the Waltons. The mother was religious and the father was not. They worked things out honestly. Yes, it is fiction, but it fiction based on Earl Hamner's real family.

[C-Nub]

What a marvelous show of support. I'm sure the outpouring of compassion seen so far will add a wonderful bounce to his step for days.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that this was the special hand-holding forum. An adult asked a question regarding whether or not a certain line of reasoning or option would be pathetic, and I answered honestly and respectfully. I guess, in so doing, I invited sarcasm and scorn from those who value compassion over honesty. Too bad. There's lots of support, including that which can be found in my first reply to this thread, but there is no sense lying to the man when his questions are about whether or not he should lie in the first place.

You may find it simple, and conceptually it may sound so. But there are other people involved and perhaps they don't deserve to be marginalized so trivially. These are likely the people he's known and loved for his entire life. It's not easy to turn one's back on that. Alone with your honest beliefs is still alone.

Condescending lecture that I in no way needed aside, how exactly does encouraging someone to be honest with his loved ones in any way marginalize or trivialize the relationship? The relationship will either endure or it won't, and that's the sad truth of it, but you're certainly not going to strengthen it, increase its value, or show your respect for the people in it with you by lying to them. I'm almost shocked that I have to explain this.

You do not lie to the people you love about your true nature. It is bad. No good can come of it. This is not a complicated concept, nor is it one that I thought I would have to defend to some extra-sarcastic would be compassion-cop that saw fit to lecture me on my direct, reasonably respectful answer to a straightforward question.

Realthinker indeed.

[Beto]

Since you asked, sir, I will answer you;

It is pathetic.

If you decided to keep living the lie, then you're not only hurting yourself, but someone you claim to love, only because you selfishly want them around. If her love for God is so important that you must share it to be with her and you simply don't, then that is the way it is. Pretending otherwise means you're wasting all of her time, and it invalidates everything that happens after that point. If she says she loves you, it becomes untrue, because she no longer knows you. If you say you love her, it becomes a lie as well, because you are not demonstrating that with your actions, and without the conviction of actions to back them up, your words are empty, hollow and meaningless.

This isn't complicated, and I'm sorry that it sucks, but you are doing a disservice to yourself and the woman you would have us believe you love by lying to her, and that is something I certainly cannot bring myself to respect or sympathize with.

What a marvelous show of support. I'm sure the outpouring of compassion seen so far will add a wonderful bounce to his step for days.

You may find it simple, and conceptually it may sound so. But there are other people involved and perhaps they don't deserve to be marginalized so trivially. These are likely the people he's known and loved for his entire life. It's not easy to turn one's back on that. Alone with your honest beliefs is still alone.

If he's coming here to ask questions, I'm guessing the situation isn't one that he's comfortable seeking help with from people he knows. It sounds like there aren't a lot of avenues for support. You do a disservice to all of us if you can't show that the unbelievers have some capacity to understand and deal with life's transitions with at least a little compassion. Religion may not be true, but the events of the human condition that it is called upon to deal with certainly are and so are the emotional struggles that come with them. If the atheist crowd doesn't have an adequate answer for that it will continue to be what people turn to in times of uncertainty.

You shouldn't assume so fast that an honest slap in the face isn't more productive than several "compassionate therapy sessions". It's ridiculous having people moping around for years when all they need is a couple of true friends to sit them down and "tell it like it is". Perhaps he doesn't confide in his friends enough to afford this luxury. This man needs neither your compassion nor your pity. What he needs is to get his act together and set his priorities straight. In the event that he is addicted to an unhealthy relationship, "cold turkey" is the only way to go, particularly if there are no children involved yet. One thing I am certain of. The more decidedly, and "manly", he acts about it and confronts her, the more likely she will accept it. Making a wimpy confession denouncing fear of a breakup, is a sure way to make it happen.